Dear Diary
by Crazy Authoresses CAT and AMS
Summary: A candid look at our favorite semievil swordman's diary. How many people are on his kill list? What does he really think of Fayt and Co.? How much time does he spend on appearance a day? Find out all this and more! Poor, poor Albel...


**Dear Diary…**

A/N- From the Crazy Authoresses Cat and Ams (Yes, it's actually a joint effort for once!) comes a peak into the mind of everyone's favorite psychopathically twisted swordsman. Yes, we have risked injury and painful death to venture to Elicoor and retrieve Albel the Wicked's diary. Oh, but it was so worth it.

Dear Diary (Day One),

Well, Woltar says that I have anger management issues and that I should write in a journal about my feelings before I act them out or something like that. I don't know what he's talking about. That subordinate really was looking at me the wrong way! And he said I wore a skirt! I had to kill it! Errr… anyways, it's not that I ever listen to what the old coot says, but… I suppose I can humor him. Besides, it'll be a good way of keeping track of the people who annoy me enough to justify their murder. Like Vox. Stupid oaf got to investigate the shiny thing that fell from the sky…bah. Then he had the weird torture fetish guy have his way with the outsiders. In more than one way. But it's not all bad. My room is right above the dungeons, so last night I was lulled asleep by the sound of screams. –teardrop on paper- It reminded me of when daddy was around and taught me the lullaby about how to make others suffer. Bah… this is all bringing up memories. I say we just kill the foreigners and get it over with. DEATH TO THE INFIDELS!

Dear Diary (Day Two),

Vox the Dumbass has done it again. He left minion soldiers to guard the prisoners. How many times have I told him that when you have important prisoners, you need at least evil henchman-level commanders. Idiot. Now they're in the hands of Aquaria, that nation of dirty trollops. For the Gods' sakes, he had a brigade of flippin' dragons! They had a wagon. A WAGON! Pulled by horses! What are the odds that he could screw up enough to actually let the targets get past? Let it be known for the record that I wanted to kill them. And that next chance I get, I'm gonna finish him off, too. Well, it's not my problem right now. I'm going on a secret mission today. What secret mission? It's a secret! Stop grilling me, you evil book! –stab mark on page-

Dear Diary (Day Five),

I finally came back from my SECRET mission to find that Shelby is still a power-hogging worm. Vox too. Surprise, surprise. So it took me a little longer than usual to get my appointments done! That doesn't mean they can just give away my assignment ! I wanted to take care of those foreign scum personally. Those two just don't understand how crucial personal grooming is, especially if you want to wear a sarong like this. You can't have hairy beast legs! At any rate, I got a new girl doing the waxing this week and let's just say that I wasn't able to walk for days. And neither was she, as I've amputated her legs. It hurt so much, though! Errr… I think I've said too much. You didn't hear any of that, cursed book! SECRET! –burn mark on page- Anyways, Shelby actually held two of the Aquarian warriors hostage. Doesn't he know that hostage holding never actually works? It gets all tangled in people's personal relationships and they always come up with a cavalry big/strong enough to trump the idiot who kidnapped their associates. It you have prisoners, kill them and get it over with! But does anyone listen to me? Nooo, of course not. I think I'll just watch him fail and not intervene. This should be fun…

Dear Diary (Day Six),

This morning, I was actually thinking about helping the girls that were captured, if only to piss off Shelby. Plus, he has them chained outside and the flocks of carrion birds are starting to get annoying. One of them _went_ in my hair. Naturally, I had crow for lunch today. Well, I got within twenty feet of the trollops and then… I heard it. The purple-haired one's voice is so annoying that I almost killed her on the spot. Or I would have if I hadn't feared my brain exploding. I think my eardrums are shattered, but I got away alive. If this is any indication of the under-handed tactics Aquaria will use, we'll have to take them out soon. I just want to know how Shelby put up with the screaming while he tortured them. He must have had earplugs. Or gags. Hmm… looks like we have another fetishist emerging. Well, more accurately, had. I told him so. The cavalry came today and (of course) rescued Annoying Agents 1 and 2. And, naturally, they killed Shelby. They did me a favor, really. That Lieutenant actually thought he could take over my position. I just don't like it when people _steal my kills_! I called dibs! I wanted to run him through personally. Guess this means that the carrion birds won't be gone for a while… -white droppings and blood on page- Well, Shelby deserved to die. He was willing to kill the red-headed Aquarian wench. He must have been gay. You don't just kill the girls in short skirts. Not right away, at least… -drool on page- Well, after Shelby died, I couldn't help but go have a talk with the maggots. They were acting way too victorious. I found out that the red-headed wench was named Nel and is a top agent of Aquaria. At least she knew of my reputation; she called me the best swordsman in Airyglyph. The wench is intelligent, at least. On the downside, I also met the two outsiders. They were as annoying as I thought they would be. Blond goon has the biggest mouth and ego I've ever seen. And the biggest leather fetish. And blue-boy… rrgh. Don't get me started on him. He lectured me about how Shelby was my subordinate and how I should look after him or some crap. I'm not a baby-sitter, thank you. I don't know why, but I get the feeling that he's the leader. How could someone like Nel follow a maggot like him? Maybe it's the spiky hair…but no matter. He shall be the first of them to die. Too bad I have a code of honor or I would have killed him right then. Can't have all the fun at once, though… -page corner torn - AUGH! Get off my diary, you dumb birds! It's not dead! … Why am I writing this down?

Dear Diary (Day Seven),

Still at the base recovering from secret mission. Hmmm… perhaps I shall start planning how to kill this Fayt. I could…

1) Feed him turpentine

2) Break his spine

3) Drown him in a lake

4) Bake a hero cake

5) Choke him with Vox's socks

6) Lock him in a box

5) Feed him to Crosell

6) Stab him straight to hell

7) Or make-out with Nel…

Gah! How did that get on there? Bad mind! That's a different list altogether. Which one? SECRET! The kill-Fayt list shall be continued as soon as I can move without wincing.

Dear Diary (Day Nine),

It's much quieter now that Shelby is dead. Plus, he's not trying to steal my curling iron every day. He was a bathroom hog, too. Still, kill one maggot and another pops up. Demetrio has been prancing around just as much. I'm starting to think that one of King Arzei's requirements for the lesser soldiers is that they're complete idiots. He's going to have to start rounding off all the sharp edges in the castle or he'll lose a third of his force. Also, I still can't get the carrion birds off the roof. I sent some soldiers up there to retrieve Shelby's body so the blasted birds didn't have anything to eat, but they were pecked apart gruesomely. Now there are even _more _birds. –stab mark on page- I need to get out of this training facility before I start hearing cawing in my sleep. Plus, the kitchen maid, Mayu, keeps making starry eyes at me. And all the other soldiers. Even Demetrio. I'm beginning to think the girl's either blind or just really desperate. I only restrain from killing her because she can do some really creative things with crow. Uh-oh… here she comes now. NO! Not teatime! She can't make me sit through that again! She makes us talk to the Adorable Kitty doll like it's a person. And she put pink ribbons in my hair last time, the wench. At least it wasn't as bad as Demetrio. She caught him and made him wear a pink frilly pinafore. That's it… I'm gonna make a run for it! Every soldier for himself!

Dear Diary (Day Eleven),

Apparently Demetrio got the same bright idea to run, because when I got back to the castle, he was already there. Strangely enough, the birds were too. Amazing what fear/hunger can do. I get the feeling I'm going to have to kill him, too. Arzei assigned him to what should have been my job! Blue-boy and company are apparently traveling to the Kirlsa mines to loot some copper, and Demetrio was put in charge of stopping them. Well, he'll fail for sure, so I should probably go as "back-up". Damn. I should have suffered through the blasted tea party. Or killed the girl. Now I have to travel the whole way back through the snow to Kirlsa. My outfit might be a fashion statement, but it's cold as hell to travel in.

Dear Diary (Day Eleven Cont.),

I hate Fayt so much. So, so very much. Not only did he get the satisfaction of killing Demetrio, but he did this to me! At first, everything was going fine. Some expendable soldiers died and Demetrio was defeated and fell down a chasm (which was surprisingly satisfying. Maybe I can try that to Fayt someday…). I blocked the exit while he fought and came face-to-face with she-of-the-deadly-voice and partner again. I took great pleasure in incapacitating them, but I think it might have put me on Nel's bad side. Just a little… Especially after I kicked the squeaky one in front of her. On the bright side, though, I got to do a few of the evil-doer monologues I've been practicing. Yeah, everything was going well until that blue-haired maggoty foreigner beat me! Then he used one of my lines against me. Worm. Oh, he'll pay for that. He infringed on my copyright! "Easy wins have never been my style." Pshaw. I kill you, Fayt Leingod! Raaaaaawwwwrrr! Well, as soon as I can get up. Damn it! THE BIRDS! They followed me! GET OFF OF ME! I'm not dead yet! –bloody peck marks on the page- … Why am I using the last of my strength to write this all out?

A/N- So there you have it: a short peak into the mind of The Wicked. Tune in next time for the next part of the captured journal: what Albel's doing while Fayt and Co. are strutting around trying to save Ameena and end the war. Poor Albie… he does have it rough in the beginning of the game, doesn't he? Oh well, that makes it all the more fun to laugh at. Remember to review and we won't tell Albel (Wow. I just mistyped Albel's name and found out you can spell Label with the letters… Nifty…) that it was really you who stole his diary. Plus, you'll get your very own carrion bird to sic on your enemies/friends. Now that's quality fun if I've ever heard of it.


End file.
